Who I Was Before

Before: Before Addiction, Before Terror, Before Recovery, Before Healing

Who was I before addiction crept in to our lives and consumed my every thought?

I was arrogant- sure that I was doing the right things, saying the right things, thinking the right things, knowing the right things. I was confident we had an unobstructed path to happiness, because I was doing the “right” things.

Who was I before terror?

I was afraid. Before terror, I was afraid all the time. Afraid of what people thought, afraid of saying no, afraid of saying yes, afraid of living and afraid of dying. Before terror- I had no idea the things I was afraid of, didn’t matter at all.

Who was I before recovery?

Before recovery I was anxious, depressed, hyper focused, excessively critical and angry. I was controlling and out of control. Before recovery, I was impulsive and exhausted.

Who was I before healing?

Before healing, I was living in denial. I was carrying around every single trauma from my youth. Before healing, I could not move without fear. I was unsure of where I ended and they began. I was only a mother, I was only a wife. I was not my own person, I didn’t know who I was.

After addiction, after terror, after recovery and healing:

I am compassionate and open minded. I have learned what is important and what is reality. I know “right” and “wrong” are a matter of opinion and are highly individualized. I know I love my people unconditionally. I am less anxious, less depressed, less angry. I understand, I am responsible for my own happiness.

I am connected to my people on a deep level, but their journey belongs to them. I am a separate, whole person.

I am different now, I would never go back to who I was before…